Lyrics

VERSE: I used to read the headlines to keep myself informed
But I gave up on that now I just try to stay warm
Bought me a wood stove started ripping up my porch
Til somebody gave me a newspaper that's hot as a torch Classified Love

VERSE: Right after the Help Wanted just before Apartments To Rent
There's a little section they call Personals that's tres convenient
You write your ad on a paper and send it in with your check
Then you sit by your mailbox and in comes rolling Le Sex

BRIDGE: I'm an SWM looking for the creme de la creme
If you're an SWF looking for a little tenderness
You send your phone and your photo to to Box 62E
I'll let you watch the reaction in my BVDs

VERSE: When the weekend comes I turn down my heat
I'm gonna have a little space heater in between my sheets
I know she'll be literate cause she's answered my ad
And if she turns out athletic we'll have us an Olympiad

VERSE: It's late in December it's snowing outside
I'm bundled up and shivering when Friday's mail arrives
She's got a Swedish friend she writes then something about menage a trois
I knock over three lamps reaching for my encyclopedia

VERSE: I look at my oil bill then I look at her photo
There's no picture of her friend but the temperature's down to 7 below
So I call up the number and turn down my thermostat
She says they'll be over at seven
I spend the afternoon on the steam vent outside the Laundromat

VERSE: I'm coming home at 6:30 and what do I see
But the girl in the photo with this Valhalla escapee
She says It's not getting any warmer and on me slowly it dawns
Then she says I'd like you to meet my Swedish friend Hans

VERSE: Now I've been in tight places I won't give you the blow by blow
But there are some tight places into which I don't wish to go
I know she must have been cold and I guess she was justified
But when she asked for my keys I just had to reply

BRIDGE I know I've been M and certainly D
But I'll never be F and I'll never be G
And those capital Bs and little i's you may see
Well they don't apply here so keep your Hans off me

VERSE: Now it's February and I can see my breath
My back porch is gone I think I'm freezing to death
So if one morning you're missing a tree or a shrub
It's just I'm cold and too cowardly for Classified Love

Karl Williams (ASCAP)
© Canny Lark Music