Lyrics

I went to the reference room to see what I could see
They had Bartlett's Quotations and they had the OED
Also Merriam & Webster and American Heritage
But when I looked for the phone book I was told it was abridged

"What's going on?" I asked, and the librarian said, "Hush!
We don't go for that 1960s Marvin Gaye-type stuff
Here in fine New Glarus we like polka beats and tact
And the phone book's controversial so we needed to redact

"Ma Bell is too Oedipal, don't put her on a pedestal
Ernestine's hardly pristine, I think you know just what I mean
If you want to call Marie, that girl in Memphis, Tennessee
She's underage and you should be ashamed!"

I whispered, "I just want the number of the coffeehouse
Could you please look that up for me? I'll be quiet as a maus"
She glared down through her glasses, put a finger to her lips
She said, "Only if you've brought a notarized permission slip

"The good people of New Glarus -- listen, miss, don't interrupt --
Do not play 'Roll Out the Barrel' but we roll the sidewalks up
So you are required to demonstrate you're not just having fun
You are not allowed to ask 'Does your refrigerator run?'

"Alexander Graham Bell was a disgrace, the way he'd yell
That exhibitionist Clark Kent is an extreme embarrassment
If he wants to fight for truth, he shouldn't change in a phone booth
And then he needs to cover up those tights!"

I said, "Perhaps you're right, I never thought of it that way
Thank you for your time, I think I'm finished for the day"
Then I ran into the streets and then I wished the woman well
Reached into my pocket and dialed Information on my cell